Yup, I am still alive!

Sometime in January was my last post. So let me do a quick run down on what has been going on

• I survived my first year of nursing school
• I survived my first year of nursing school
• I survived my first year of nursing school
• I may be a little less sane
• I survived my first year of nursing school
• My eyes have seen things that cannot be unseen
• I survived my first year of nursing school
• I am still married and celebrated 19 years in March
• I survived my first year of nursing school
• My children are alive and only slightly traumatized from my absence the last 9 months
• I survived my first year of nursing school
• Somehow I lost over 30 pounds through my first year of nursing school
• I am still employed and some weeks I was there more than home
• I am HAPPY, HEALTHY, and a little WISER
• I survived my first year of nursing school!

There it is! My life in a nutshell the last few months....

HOMEWORK, SCHOOL, WORK, HOUSEWORK...a looping circle that felt like at times an acid trip, 70 hour weeks.....I felt disconnected at times, not present, but somehow floating through what needed to get done.

I need to take my LPN exam, and then I can start working as an LPN at the center I work at....nervous.... but I know I will it pass it.

I am looking forward to some much needed down time. So let me do a quick run down on what I plan on doing this summer.

• Sleep
• Rest
• Play
• Work

Simple...but....

PERFECT!

Time Out For Family

I am not a fan of the heat...Now don't get me wrong, by January I am looking for a little warmth, but overall I like cooler weather. Most people hit the amusement parks, zoo, and other outdoor activities in the summer months. I tend to avoid large crowds in the heat....I get cranky! So usually when October hits I come out of my summer hibernation and participate in outdoor activities. It is normally much cooler, the crowds are minimal...and as a result, I don't get cranky, so we tend to do a lot of our family outings in the fall. This last three months I have been swamped with work, school, and money has been tight, so we have not done our normal fall activities. No Oktoberfest...no Lagoon...no Park City.... no weekend getaways...Nothing! My sister-in-law had some free tickets for the zoo that expired at the end of the month and I made it a point to make sure we got to the zoo before the end of the month. Thanks Becky for giving us some much needed family time......

McDonalds, It Can Be Therapeutic!

When we had the twins I decided to stay home, and I was a housewife for a lot of years. I will readily admit that being at home with toddler twins was challenging...and by challenging.....I mean bang your head repeatedly on a spike studded 2X4 challenging.

My days consisted of...

 Blues Clues...... I became very attached to Steve....then Steve went to college....I don't want to talk about it..it was traumatic!

Missing sippy cups that of course had milk in them...to be found three days later with curdled milk in them...oh the horror of that smell. If you have never had a toddler, you have no idea of the importance of the sippy cup. Look, when it comes to the importance of inventions in my book, sippy cups are in the top ten, it is a close second to TiVo and Spanx.

Countless hours of picking up toys that I had just picked up two minutes before. I had a bright idea to buy them a ball pit at some point...worst idea ever!

Hours spent trying to use child psychology to convince two two year olds that they cannot go to preschool until they are potty trained....it all came down to old fashioned bribery...M&M's to be exact....it went something like this..."You go pee in that potty chair and you get chocolate and sugar made into colorful yummy goodness...and you go poop in that same potty and I will give you the whole damn 8 pound bag of colorful yummy goodness."

Countless hours spent agonizing if it is really worth it to load the kids up in their car seats, coats, mittens, and hats to go to the grocery store. "Do they really need milk and bread?" I would ask myself. Now, to the person who has not had a toddler this seems like a stupid question to ponder, but to the person who has had a toddler, this a perfectly legitimate dilemma. See, if I took them to the store, it turned into what felt like an expedition to Dante's inferno and back. At some point in our grocery trip someone would have cried, pooped, or needed a Band-Aid...and is all that worth it for milk...I think not!

Now there was other aspects to being home also...I may or may not have participated in...like....

.... watching the whole T.V. series of Dawson's Creek, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and 7th Heaven....

....Spending a few hours here and there talking to friends on the phone in similar situations...they kept me sane!

......Some days were spent in my PJ's the whole day

.....Countless hours of baking and cooking fun stuff...hence why I gained copious amounts of weight.

...and there were honestly days I did nothing....nothing at all....

So why am I reminiscing about this blip in my life?

I saw a small glimmer of what I looked like back then...in my husband...this last week.

So my schedule is busy...I am gone a lot...my hubby has been playing Mr. Mom. He has been home the last 2 months on workman's comp because of his broken tibia.

I came home after a 12 hour day...it was one of many 12 hour days....

Dinner was burnt...the kids were grounded...he had not attempted to groom himself in a few days....the house was trashed...

I was pissed at first when I walked into this chaos....

I thought.."What the hell, I have been busting my butt all day and I come home to this?"...."What have you been doing all day?"

...I also discovered he ritually watched criminal minds reruns on T.V...wore the same shorts daily... spent a lot of time playing online video games...was trying new recipes and upset that I had not praised a new recipe he made, he vehemently let me know his disappoint in my lack of acknowledging his hard work on this recipe......

it was me...

11 years ago... minus the ponytail and toddler boogers wiped on my clothes.

...all my days of being a "housewife".... and some days...

 I just failed at it...I flopped....I should have been fired some days!

So what did I do...I put my jacket back on...told the kids to get their shoes...asked the husband to change his clothes (remember he has been wearing the same shorts daily).... and get in the car....

We went to McDonald's for dinner...The kids were happy...the husband was happy he was getting out of the house and "mom" was home.....It is not 5 five star dining but in that moment it is what is needed.

The same thing happened on many occasions 11 years ago...Adrian loading us all up in the car...the toddlers were happy, and I was happy I was getting out of the house... and "dad" was home.

This is marriage...marriage with kids.....

 Perfectly imperfect. It is complicated, messy, full of flaws, and lacks five star dining...and....

Some day's we just fail at it...

Some day's we flop on our face...

Some day's we really should be fired....

...and some day's.....

We just need that one person who is willing to takes us to....

.... McDonald's.....

Every Little Thing Is Gonna Be Alright

I am having my half way there "BLAHS"......Do you ever have those days, weeks...months for some ...where something is just off?

You can't put a finger on it other than saying...."BLAH"......

Motivation is lacking....enthusiasm is minimal......laziness has crept in.....

I am a little over half way there in my weight loss and I have hit that dreaded plateau...physically and mentally. To the point where I stepped off the treadmill this last week...It just was not in me to exercise....What is the worst thing to do when trying to lose weight?...stop when it is getting the hardest. I will get back on the treadmill...my eating has remained healthy and consistent...I just need to find that spark again!..... I am only 10 pounds away from my end of summer goal......

I am half way there in school.....all my pre-req's are done, now it is on to just the core nursing classes.....getting everything together for nursing school has cost me a small fortune this summer...seriously 63.00 dollars for a scrub top? Updates on vaccinations at 50+ dollars a piece... CPR class...background checks.....and little things here and there that add up....I have not even looked at the books I need to purchase...thank goodness for grants and scholarships in the fall.....

My hair is half way there in growing out and it is at code red levels right now. I am growing it out so it will be easy to pull back when doing clinicals. The length is at that awkward level...I have huge amounts of cowlicks along the baseline of my hair and they are running rampant right now....they are not controllable and I am at their mercy...It is taking everything in my power not to run to my hairdresser and cut it to a comfortable level.....thank goodness my hair grows fast, and though it is annoying right now, it is temporary......

Monetarily things are tight so we have to be creative with extracurricular activities...there is only so many red box movie you can watch, and picnics to the park that can be had...my kids are getting cabin fever...I have cabin fever.....I think the summer "BLAHS" have infected the house.....unlike millions of others our health is good, our bills are paid, and meals are on the table...can't ask for more than that.

Here is the problem with the "BLAHS"...10 pounds from a goal, grants and scholarships, thick full hair, and roof over my head..... are all lost in a cloud of humdrums and tedious parts of life.

So how does one cure the "BLAHS" ?

Get back on the treadmill......realize the extra costs of school will bring nothing but financial gain in the end....buy some hair accessories and deal with it......family financial sacrifices is a temporary bump on the road right now.....

The "BLAHS" will fade away and....

in the words of Bob Marley~

...no truer words have been spoken,,,,,,

Childhood Magic

....See this is my opinion we all start out knowing magic. We are born with whirlwinds, forest fires, and comets inside us. We are born able to sing to birds, and read the clouds, and see our destiny in grains of sand. But then we get the magic chopped right out our souls. We get it churched out, spanked out, washed out, and combed out. We get put on the straight and narrow and told to be responsible. Told to act our age. Told to grow up, for God's sake. And you know why we were told that? Because the people doing the telling were afraid of our wildness and youth, and because the magic we knew made them ashamed and sad of what they'd allowed to wither in themselves....

~Robert R McCammon

This story has spread across the internet, and I think like everyone who has watched it...it touched my heart.

It brings make memories for all of us...our childhood imagination....the carefree magic of childhood.

We are burdened with the responsibilities of life and we feel ourselves being pulled further from the imaginative world that we saw as a child.

However....there are moments...moments where a smell, a song, or a picture conjures up distant memories of childhood mindfulness.

Watch Caine's Arcade...watch a father who allows his boy to be a precocious child and never hinders his imagination...be touched by this boys determination......

smile at the magic  Caine brought to East L.A. .................

enjoy....



A surreal experience

I finished my last cadaver lab today. I know as I go forward in my medical career I will see things that sadden me, amaze me, confuse me and maybe forever change me. So far I have been around those who are at the end of their life or their life has ended. There was a cadaver of a women in our labs who was the same age as me. She died from breast cancer, she had refused any medical treatment. I don't know why, it could have been for religious reasons, it could have been out of fear, or maybe she felt as soon as someone said that death may be near she gave up on life at that moment. I think the last scenario bothers me most; the thought of not wanting to live, not wanting to experience what a precious gift that we have been given to experience a mortal life on this earth.

I am fascinated by human nature in general. I love to watch and observe those around me. I wonder about the other cadavers in the lab. They were older and had lived a full life. Were their lives happy? Were they surrounded by loved ones? Did they isolate themselves and live a life of bitterness and anger? I would wonder the same thing when I worked in the assisted living center. Their were residents who's rooms were filled with pictures of families and pictures drawn by their great-grandchildren. Then there were those who's rooms were bare and no visitors came to see them. Were these isolated residents abandoned by their loved ones or did the resident isolate themselves? It is an amazing thing that the person with the bare room could have millions of dollars in his bank account but at the end of our life those that we surround ourselves with and love become our greatest treasures and worth more then any material thing.

Our attitudes is the most important thing on how we conduct our life. It is the factor that determines who and what is in our lives If we have the right attitude everything else will fall into its place:

" The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company...a church...a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. the only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you...we are in charge of our attitudes." .....Charles R. Swindoll.

What was the attitude of this young women who had passed away from breast cancer? What was the attitude of the lonely residents in the assisted living center? I hope I would fight with everything I had for life. I hope my walls are covered with pictures drawn by my great-grandchildren. My attitude is maturing and growing. I am learning to let go when it is time to let go and react with an attitude that will help me grow. I am in charge of my attitude and in turn I am in charge of my happiness