Yup, I am still alive!

Sometime in January was my last post. So let me do a quick run down on what has been going on

• I survived my first year of nursing school
• I survived my first year of nursing school
• I survived my first year of nursing school
• I may be a little less sane
• I survived my first year of nursing school
• My eyes have seen things that cannot be unseen
• I survived my first year of nursing school
• I am still married and celebrated 19 years in March
• I survived my first year of nursing school
• My children are alive and only slightly traumatized from my absence the last 9 months
• I survived my first year of nursing school
• Somehow I lost over 30 pounds through my first year of nursing school
• I am still employed and some weeks I was there more than home
• I am HAPPY, HEALTHY, and a little WISER
• I survived my first year of nursing school!

There it is! My life in a nutshell the last few months....

HOMEWORK, SCHOOL, WORK, HOUSEWORK...a looping circle that felt like at times an acid trip, 70 hour weeks.....I felt disconnected at times, not present, but somehow floating through what needed to get done.

I need to take my LPN exam, and then I can start working as an LPN at the center I work at....nervous.... but I know I will it pass it.

I am looking forward to some much needed down time. So let me do a quick run down on what I plan on doing this summer.

• Sleep
• Rest
• Play
• Work

Simple...but....

PERFECT!

Wobbling!

Please watch the short clip above first.......

okay.....

So the man starts with some hesitation but goes ahead......

a smile on his face....

then the skateboard speeds up and things get wobbly....

the smile turns to Holy S*%#!....

and then it turns to chaos, fear, and wanting to find a way out....

then he finds himself in  the weeds, trying to figure out what just happened.....


This is a dramatic interpretation of my life the last few weeks.

I have begun nursing school, and I feel like this man....out of control and just trying to hang on.....hoping I don't end up in the weeds, trying to figure out what just happened.


Stress has over taken my life at the moment. I am working....hubby has a fractured tibia and is on crutches, so he is limited in what he can help with.....taking care of the home....attending to all the children's needs....

and in the middle of all this ...19 days of school.....has brought me.... assignments, papers, tests, quizzes, interviews, labs, orientations....that far exceed the number 19........

In 19 days I have probably done as much as I do in half a semester in most classes....

My sleep is short......my eyes are heavy...my blood pressure is high (I made a Dr's appt Monday to get that under control before I stroke out).........Anxiety is creeping in........

If my head was not attached I would probably lose it...........

So we have 20 other students in this program...

and guess what?

They feel just like me, they are following behind me, in front of me...wobbling their way down this course...just hanging on for dear life, just like me!

I thought it was me just overreacting, but this course seems to attract a certain kind of a person. The kind of person that looks at an obstacle and because of their over achieving, stubborn, neurotic, controlling, OCD personality..... they think, "Sure, I can do this!"

Then this personality starts down the hill.. and things start slipping out of their control. They start wobbling, their straight A's become B's, they can't figure out how to put on a sterile glove properly, then they figure if they can't get on sterile gloves properly how in the hell are they ever going to insert an NG tube or begin an IV......wobbling, wobbling, wobbling.......

Here we are nursing students...bound together in some strange way.....

All of us just trying to hang on, and not end up in the weeds.

Fork In The Road

There is that time in life when you finally approach that fork in the road and you have to decide which direction you have to go. You take a deep breath and you go ahead and make your turn....you are on a new road and headed hopefully on the right path.....

When the twins were born we made a decision for me to stay home. I always knew that me staying at home  was not a permanent choice... but at the time it seemed to be the best decision for us. The years went by pretty seamlessly and then the economy ran over us with a Mac truck. Job change,  job losses, and a constant battlefield of uncertainty. We decided it was time for me to get back in the work force. I was not going to be gone 40+ hours a week from my family only making 10 dollars or less an hour. I was going to make sure it made economic sense for me to work outside the home. So I went back to school with the intent of getting a degree in nursing.

I worked for a little while when I started school as a CNA, but with Adrian's night job at the time and my job went into the night hours trying to find babysitting on Sunday nights and other nights became a nightmare and put a huge amount of stress on us. We desperately needed the extra income I made so we had to figure out a solution. Adrian went and found another job that was not at night and made more money so I could stay at home for a little longer because we did not have many options at the time. The kids were to young to leave at home by themselves for extended periods and we could not afford day care for three kids.....so we put me working for the time being on the back burner....

So fast forward to Monday morning............

I started my job at a skilled nursing center....

...okay so working is not huge...millions of people do it everyday.....

but for me it was that turn on to a brand new road.......

I have been home with my kids for basically the last twelve years....

but as of Monday I will be working...from here on out....until I guess .....I retire......

It was kind of surreal when I pulled up to the job.....

I am officially now on a new path....

....Now...I just hope I made the right turn in the fork of the road......



( p.s......by 9 am on my first day of the job I was highly questioning this decision...The air conditioning was down, I was wrist deep in poop, and having to contend with aloof coworkers...
...nobody said the road be easy I suppose....)

Just Catching Up

I am done with school for the summer........hmmmm....I am a bit lost because...I have no papers, quizzes, reading, tests.....I have not had a summer off of school since I started...

...honestly...it feels great.....I need this summer off to recharge my mental batteries....I took two naps last week?!..and I didn't even pull out my laptop... I cleaned house and watched T.V.....I am beginning to feel normal again. I am going to begin looking for a part time job for the summer...extra cash and some work experience in the health field.

I got my final grades..my final grades at USU...I ended with a 3.82....dang anatomy and college algebra...they knocked me off my perfect record.....math, I suck at...anatomy I blame on the professor, he sucked at teaching it......However I got an A in pathology this semester...next to anatomy it was one of my toughest courses...I am proud of that A! If you saw my textbook and all those big words in it you would be proud too!

Last weekend my mom and Aunt Jackie came to town. They did some shopping at our new mall downtown...gorgeous mall!

Mom came down to see Makenzie's dance recital. The theme this year was, "Going to the Movies".

Makenzie danced to, "When You Wish Upon A Star" and "All the Single Ladies". Makenzie has lived in her costumes since the recital....if she could, she would live everyday in dress up and costumes especially if it is sparkly or princessy.....

Adrian's 40th Birthday was Wednesday...we celebrated by leaving the kids behind and going to the movies. We saw Avengers...pretty darn good. Tried a new recipe...ended up making it twice this week....it is called earthquake cake and it is yummy..it is simple and yummy.....if you like german chocolate cake you will give it a thumbs up....I am working on losing that 30 pounds by the end of summer so I only had one slice out of those two cakes I baked.....I think I should get two thumbs up for amazing self control.

http://www.sweettreatsmore.com/2012/04/earthquake-cake.html

Saturday morning I got to go do my one of favorite traditions. I walked in the Susan G Komen walk and it was as inspirational as usual. I went in support of mom as always (MOTHER! You will come down for this next year!) but also the same friend I also walked for last year, Jill. Jill is going through her second round of chemo because it spread to her lungs but her prognosis looks good and she is beating that insidious cancer. My aunt is also a breast cancer survivor and she was there but I could not find her amongst the large crowd ( so I borrowed one of my cousins pictures she posted on Facebook...thanks :) )...come to find out she was holding one of the signs in the survivor parade .....she is also one of those strong inspiring ladies.

My Aunt Dixie and her daughters Chrystal and Sabrina ( Sorry.. I had to poach your picture)

 

Jill

On our 5K walk...new route this year....

The survivor ceremony

 My sweet neighbor Lisa

Jill...being Jill.....showing her mighty strength...she cracks me up!

Saturday we had my mother-in-laws famous gumbo...once again trying to watch what I eat...but...I will never pass up a gumbo and hush puppies...and I had just walked a 5k so a few extra yummy calories was not going to kill me.

Makenzie is done with school this week and the twins the following week...on to summer....no grand plans... just a part time job...and....

some much needed mental R and R!

Where Will You Be In Ten Years?

I am an activities leader in my church. Basically twice a month I have to entertain some girls between the ages of 8-11 for an hour and half.  The last time we met it was my turn to lead the activity and come up with what we were going to do. The women in the church are putting together a time capsule. The women in the church are encouraged to place a current picture, family history, and share something about themselves in the time capsule. The time capsule will be opened 30 years later ( that would make me 66 when it is opened). So my idea was to have the girls make a mini time capsule for themselves, to be opened when they are 21. I had them include  a testimony or their feelings about the church,  I had them fill out some information about themselves, where they see themselves in 10-13 years from now, and I took a picture of them. They are to put it somewhere they won't lose it and open it sometime in the future ( I suspect most will lose it or open it in a month).

In the process of doing this project I showed the girls some of my own personal items, pictures, and how much life changes over a ten year period, and how quickly life moves. I showed a picture of me at age 8 and things I had scrapbooked from that age. I then showed a picture of me ten years later.....it was my wedding photo...and ten years (plus a couple more years) after that......I had my family portrait with my three kids gathered around me....

First..... of all I discovered I have definitely hit that "middle age" mark. One of the questions I had the girls answer was, what is your favorite song?  One of the girls said her favorite song was by some group.....a group I had never heard of......a group that apparently is very popular right now...a boy bandish type of group. I said, "I have never heard of that group."...the look I received from all the girls was look of horror..a look of....."HOLY CRAP YOU ARE OLD"...kinda look. I gave that same look at that age to older people..... that same look if they didn't know all the songs by Michael Jackson or The Police......I am now that same "older" person......sigh........

Secondly.....Eventhough I was trying to show the girls how fast time flies, I think I was more in shock about how much life can change over ten years.....

Ten years ago I had sweet two year old twins that kept me on my toes at all times. They ran around speaking jibber jabber and getting into anything they could get their pudgy little toddler fingers in to. I was in a full on mom mode...baking....cleaning....playdates....scrapbooking....it was wonderful and I am so glad I was able to be with my kiddos. However; over the next ten years economic changes happened...I became a bit restless at home.....I knew I needed something else.....I needed something a little more in my life....

so...I went back to college......and now we here we are....ten years from that toddler totting momma....

 .....I no longer have toddlers...I have two young women who are taller than me and are turning in to beautiful women.......

 ......we have another addition to our family who begins 1st grade next year....the sky is limit for this little one.....

....I am still madly, deeply, truly in love with this man.......

....and me...well...here I am... older... maybe a little wiser...and a graduate of college with honors....

Wow! .......Ten years......gone in a blink of the eye......

.....Wonder what life has in store for the next ten years?

.....I am not sure but I am ready for the adventure..........

You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something- your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

~ Steve Jobs

Class of 2014

This last year I have been finishing up my required courses so I could put in my application for nursing school. I think I have explained my predicament that came with this in a previous post.....I want to emphasize the fact that this program comes around once every two years and they only accept 20 students statewide. This program is also perfect for me because I can do all the classroom work from my home...which as a mom...you can not ask for anything more perfect than that.

I sent in my application at the end of February knowing I would have an answer back sometime in early April. On my last post I was starting to feel the panic because I knew an answer was coming soon.......and now the waiting was killing me!!!!

I was not the only one going through this waiting game...my friend Leeann was also going through the same stresses...she was waiting for an answer also. We have gone through this together...we have stood over a dead woman's body together in anatomy pinning and labeling her reproductive system...lets face it we are bonded for life over that alone!!!! We have endured a week of ridiculously boring CNA classes together ! We have had to drive through snowstorms, changed adult diapers, and worked with fellow students that had penises drawn on their body with sharpies for clinicals...yup we need each other to get through nursing school...I need someone that can laugh with me, and challenge me to do my best so I can get through this program..... there is not a better person than Leeann to do this!

Tuesday night I was sitting in my pathology course and I hear two fellow students talking about their acceptance into the nursing program......WHAAAAATTTT!......they got their acceptance letter..I DIDN'T GET MINE!!!!!!!....this was person number three at this point that I knew had gotten an acceptance letter......they went on and on about their acceptance.... I was seconds away from crawling under my table, curling into a fetal position, and start sobbing softly.....I was also visualizing in my head.... jumping over my table, knocking both of them out, and tearing up their acceptance letter....

Instead.... I excused myself to the bathroom and cried softly in a bathroom stall......while texting Leeann and Adrian about my possible nervous breakdown that was occurring at USU's bathroom. Leeann had not received her acceptance letter either...so basically I also passed my nervous breakdown over to her ...What are friends for if you can't share your neurosis???

I left class...drove home crying.....and had thoroughly convinced myself I was not going to be 1 of the now 17 nursing students.........

.....next morning...I decided to hit the post office early so I could get my rejection letter .... I  convinced myself I was getting one....so I could burn it.....binge on junk food......then crawl in bed with indigestion and come out sometime next month............

but....instead of rejection I received....acceptance....

There it is ....my next two years in a letter......

I DID IT!!!!

I GOT IN!!!!

I am excited and scared all intermingled together....

Getting to this point has taken a lot of work over the past two years and now it is here.....

So on to the next chapter.....

Here I come Weber State University!!!!

are you ready for me...or should I say...... Am I ready for you?

Dear Life, Here is everything I really want to say!

I had to pay a parking ticket that I did not deserve so I paid it but I included a letter and proof why I did not deserve it. The parking ticket was only ten dollars...so why all the fuss..because..I could..I could write  a letter expressing my feelings...I began to wonder if I could do that with everything else going on in my life because I can honestly say I would feel a lot better....

I had to go do my Utah CNA skill certification...I won't know if I passed until next week...I am pretty sure I passed...I feel like I did everything right and I know for a fact my testing on the vitals was perfect .....but of course the pessimist side of me will sit and dwell on it until I get my official certification. I need this to be official because I am required to add it to my nursing application. If I fail because I did not say one specific word, which has been known to happen they will get a letter that goes as follows:

Dear Utah CNA certification department,

Remember this...someday.....you will be laying in a hospital bed...and I will be your nurse someday...I will remember you as one of those people who delayed my nursing application...bwahahahahaha!

Sociopathic potential nursing student,

Michele

I am taking a pathology class that is kicking my butt. The professor has decided because he has added an extra hour on to the class it will allow him sufficient amount of time to go through a 1132 pages worth of material.  We meet a total of 4 hours a week for 4 months....this equates to basically a test once a week...4 chapters worth to study...weekly...very detailed chapters...that take me days to dissect and figure out.........he used to do a lot of take home tests...but no not this semester......"sigh".... So all this means I am studying every weekend and other endless hours with my face in a pathology book. I would like to say to my professor:

Dear professor,

I know you have a nerdy passion for gram negative bacteria and a flair for pronouncing any Latin word that we come across with a heavy Latin accent that ends in copious amounts of spit spiddling from your mouth but I feel I need to remind you this is entry level pathophysiology not graduate school advance pathophysiology. I cannot process the information being given to me in the short amount of time I have been given...you are slowly chipping away at any amount of sanity I have left...I am on the edge...I am clinging with a pinkie at this point.....

Unstable, frantic, anxiety ridden, clueless, annoyed

Michele

My other two courses are fairly simple and I will be completely honest...I just want my A with little effort on my part because I basically don't care about the subject...I got an email from one of my professor that said I needed to participate sooner in the discussion sessions..I turn them in on time..just at last minute. I feel like sending a personal email  that states the following:

Dear Professor,

I know you like discussing this subject, that is why you teach this subject and I am glad you have found your passion. I on the other hand want to make it clear I have reached my threshold of information and sanity and will not be able to store what you are teaching in this class. You are the last of my classes before my nursing program begins and all your class is doing for me is filling my required class credit load and unfortunately pottery 101 was not available. I will get an A because my perfectionist side will not allow anything else but I will get this A with last minute discussion topics, test taking, and assigned papers. So thank you for your kind suggestion of posting my discussion topics earlier so I can get more responses from fellow students but I will have to nicely tell you "NO" and I will continue posting at last minute because I really don't care about my fellow online students thoughts and opinions.

   From your  uninterested...burned out...lazy....procrastinating student

              Michele!

And last but not least I need to fill out my nursing application and have it turned in by the end of the month....you have to include a paper about yourself..it includes accomplishments of mine...hobbies..my dreams...my wants...why I want this program...blah, blah, blah!!!! My ideal letter would go something like this:

Dear Weber Nursing Admissions,

Lets be honest I am not a typical college student with accomplishments that include university glee club, newspaper editor, and sigma phi alum, and track all star. I am 36 with a family, at best my daily accomplishments include a daily shower, less than 15 dishes in my sink, all the kids homework done before 8pm in the evening, and less than 5 loads of laundry to fold.

Hobbies or leisure activities? What is that word...it sounds familiar?! Birdwatching, mountain climbing, stamp collecting....no..lets see..my hobby is...children evading. It is simple my children yell mom at least 120 times a day and I evade them. It is a simple game of cat and mouse..it takes strategy and skill...I avoid, dodge, lay low, side step until they finally go find their father. It is truly a sport that takes time to master.

Why do I want to go to your school? Ummmm...because I have no other options and if I don't get in I am going to have to move my family to Texas...Arizona...Honduras...Timbuktu...just so I can find a nursing program that won't take me 6 years to get through.

           Desperate, exasperated, neurotic, tired, running out of time,

Michele

...oh all the things I wish I could say in a letter.............."sigh"

My Last Degree Of Sanity!

http://namebrandmomingenericjeans.blogspot.com/2010/02/full-circle.html

There it is, a link to my very first post I ever did on this blog (Please admire the fine Olan Mills Classic senior photo pose, I also have the one where you are looking over your shoulder, CLASSIC!). Here I am two years later and coming up on finishing the first part of my schooling and getting ready to move in to the last two years. I feel like I have finally hit Normandy Beach and now I am fighting like they did on D-day to keep fighting this war to get my RN.

My CNA license lapsed so I have to go back and take those classes, which is going to be a week of my winter break...sitting in a classroom....and I am finishing up my pathology requirement so I don't have to take that class while I am doing nursing school. Then I turn in my application March 1.....and wait...and wait...and see if I am one of the lucky few to make it in the program.

I am going to admit ..and really this is nothing new for those who are around me...I am stressed....

I am not stressed about actual nursing school....I know it is going to be hard, I think this cartoon expresses my expectations.....

.....see I am realistic...it is going to be HELL!

...here is the thing that is leaving me restless at night, anxiety dripping from my pores, and blood pressure reaching terminal levels...

...me waiting to get into nursing school...this waiting thing to see if I am accepted...I have no control over this part of it!

The nursing school part...I am in control of...my grades, my problem....my performance, my problem...I am in control of it.....

...this part... I have no control over and it is driving me to the brink of insanity!

Anyways, I have posted in a previous blog what my dilemma is if I don't get into this particular program and that is where this stress mounts from.

"phew".....there it is a nutshell...we all have stresses and this is a fraction of mine that seems to be consuming my thoughts....

In the meantime I am going to take the next couple of weeks and soak in my family, do some baking, watch some movies...and just be....a mom, a wife, a friend...

.....not that overstressed nursing student!

I see dead people!....but I didn't need a sixth sense to see them

I have mentioned in my first post that I have decided to go back to school. I have decided I am going to do nursing. I know it is literally one the hardest bachelors to obtain but I think I am up to the challenge. One of my challenges so far has been getting through an anatomy class that has made me seriously consider going into teaching instead. I think that a lot of the fault can be based on the professor for his attempt to make you fail at his test and quizzes. I have had to let go of the fact that my 4.0 is probably not going to be possible to obtain this semester but I know I have a 4.0 in effort for the class.

Saturday morning was our first experience with dissected cadavers. At first all we saw was body bags on the tables. I have seen bodies put in the bags to be taken to the funeral home or morgue (I have worked as a CNA at nursing home.) This time it was different because you knew that ...lack of a better word...they were dissected human beings. When the bodies were unzipped from there bags it was surreal looking at these bodies that were stripped down to bone and muscle. I thought of a that T.V. show American Dad; the dad character named Stan on the show once said, " There's nothing we can do, we're helpless like a turned over tortoise. Sure our bellies are warm now, but soon it will be dark and then the crows will come." I felt like the crows that day as we surveyed these bodies

They have names and what they died from on a dry erase board above their station. You try to be as respectful as you can be and thankful that these people donated their bodies so that students like me can understand the human body in depth. It was fascinating! Every muscle, bone, organ and every other component of our body is such an intricate well oiled machine.

Someone asked me what area of nursing I want to go in to because they knew exactly what they wanted to do when they go into nursing. I panicked a little because I thought why don't I know exactly what I want. Some people just know in their heart what they want and I guess I am just putting my heart out there and maybe it will lead me to it.

At the end of the Saturday we all piled in our cars and drove home. I wonder if some students decided if this was not for them or it solidified there decision to go in to the medical field. I do know that everyone went home with a good story to tell and a little more respect for the human body.