No Bowing Out This Time!

When I was a kid I asked for the game Operation every year for Christmas...I never got it. I am not sure why?! It could have been I basically circled the whole jcpenney's catalog as my Christmas wish list... maybe I should have highlighted this game to emphasize the fact I really wanted it.

As an adult this game was given to me as a joke because I never got it as a kid...I was giddy to play it with my own kids.

I opened it, set it all up...the twins were about 4 at the time...I ran down the instructions, and Cheyenne was excited to start this game I had talked up...

It did not go as I planned it out in my head....

See, Utah winters are extremely dry, and static electricity is a norm...you are constantly shocking yourself. We had the game on our floor...Cheyenne touched the edge of the metal that buzzes on the game...it not only buzzed, but it literally shot out blue sparks that looked like a firecracker display on the 4th of July....and it sent a tingling sensation up her arm.

At this point her little four year old eye's are wide and full of fear and maybe slightly electrified...her twin sister ran off in tears.....Cheyenne was shaking like a leaf and has refused since then to play Operation ever again.

Cheyenne's experience with the game Operation has been my experience with diets......

I see something new...I go into with it with grand expectations....

I get fried... I run away crying....

...then go eat a bag of cookies....

The horrible buzzing noise that the game Operation exudes when you fail is what you hear in your head every time you fail to stick out a diet plan.

Something happened this year though...every time I heard that buzz or felt flying blue sparks radiate up my arm...I didn't stop...I did not refuse to play anymore...I rolled the dice and moved on...

This was huge for me!

I began this journey towards the end of January last year and here we are almost a year later. I have done it healthy as I know how. I eat healthy and moderately 3 square meals a day with snacks through out the day. I try to exercise  three to five days a week depending on my schedule. I have done this weight loss thing fair and square the old fashioned hard work way. As of now I have lost .......

Before.....at my heaviest this was taken right after having my youngest but it was a similar starting weight when I started a year ago.....close to a size 24...3x shirt....over 250 pounds......

After......picture taken by my youngest on Christmas day....size 12, large shirt (shopping in non plus size stores now!)......under 180 pounds.....

I have done a pic of me in the "Before" shirt back in May..... so I did one tonight impromptu...so excuse the way I look with my natural face, hideous bathroom lighting, and possibly my black bra under the shirt (classy huh!)....but you get the idea of  how big that white shirt is now (the youngest is holding out the shirt behind me like a freaking wedding train of extra material!)......My white shirt is the only one I have hung onto in that size...it is good reminder for me. I now have a new bunch of clothes to get rid of...the size I was this last spring is going bye -bye to the thrift stores soon!

I still have about 35 pounds I want to lose. I want to focus on toning and strengthening this year, and working on my arms, upper thighs, and belly....this would be so much easier if I had the money to nip, tuck, and suck it out!

So here I am almost a year later playing this "diet" game...

...and I keep on rolling the dice ready for the next move......

McDonalds, It Can Be Therapeutic!

When we had the twins I decided to stay home, and I was a housewife for a lot of years. I will readily admit that being at home with toddler twins was challenging...and by challenging.....I mean bang your head repeatedly on a spike studded 2X4 challenging.

My days consisted of...

 Blues Clues...... I became very attached to Steve....then Steve went to college....I don't want to talk about it..it was traumatic!

Missing sippy cups that of course had milk in them...to be found three days later with curdled milk in them...oh the horror of that smell. If you have never had a toddler, you have no idea of the importance of the sippy cup. Look, when it comes to the importance of inventions in my book, sippy cups are in the top ten, it is a close second to TiVo and Spanx.

Countless hours of picking up toys that I had just picked up two minutes before. I had a bright idea to buy them a ball pit at some point...worst idea ever!

Hours spent trying to use child psychology to convince two two year olds that they cannot go to preschool until they are potty trained....it all came down to old fashioned bribery...M&M's to be exact....it went something like this..."You go pee in that potty chair and you get chocolate and sugar made into colorful yummy goodness...and you go poop in that same potty and I will give you the whole damn 8 pound bag of colorful yummy goodness."

Countless hours spent agonizing if it is really worth it to load the kids up in their car seats, coats, mittens, and hats to go to the grocery store. "Do they really need milk and bread?" I would ask myself. Now, to the person who has not had a toddler this seems like a stupid question to ponder, but to the person who has had a toddler, this a perfectly legitimate dilemma. See, if I took them to the store, it turned into what felt like an expedition to Dante's inferno and back. At some point in our grocery trip someone would have cried, pooped, or needed a Band-Aid...and is all that worth it for milk...I think not!

Now there was other aspects to being home also...I may or may not have participated in...like....

.... watching the whole T.V. series of Dawson's Creek, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and 7th Heaven....

....Spending a few hours here and there talking to friends on the phone in similar situations...they kept me sane!

......Some days were spent in my PJ's the whole day

.....Countless hours of baking and cooking fun stuff...hence why I gained copious amounts of weight.

...and there were honestly days I did nothing....nothing at all....

So why am I reminiscing about this blip in my life?

I saw a small glimmer of what I looked like back then...in my husband...this last week.

So my schedule is busy...I am gone a lot...my hubby has been playing Mr. Mom. He has been home the last 2 months on workman's comp because of his broken tibia.

I came home after a 12 hour day...it was one of many 12 hour days....

Dinner was burnt...the kids were grounded...he had not attempted to groom himself in a few days....the house was trashed...

I was pissed at first when I walked into this chaos....

I thought.."What the hell, I have been busting my butt all day and I come home to this?"...."What have you been doing all day?"

...I also discovered he ritually watched criminal minds reruns on T.V...wore the same shorts daily... spent a lot of time playing online video games...was trying new recipes and upset that I had not praised a new recipe he made, he vehemently let me know his disappoint in my lack of acknowledging his hard work on this recipe......

it was me...

11 years ago... minus the ponytail and toddler boogers wiped on my clothes.

...all my days of being a "housewife".... and some days...

 I just failed at it...I flopped....I should have been fired some days!

So what did I do...I put my jacket back on...told the kids to get their shoes...asked the husband to change his clothes (remember he has been wearing the same shorts daily).... and get in the car....

We went to McDonald's for dinner...The kids were happy...the husband was happy he was getting out of the house and "mom" was home.....It is not 5 five star dining but in that moment it is what is needed.

The same thing happened on many occasions 11 years ago...Adrian loading us all up in the car...the toddlers were happy, and I was happy I was getting out of the house... and "dad" was home.

This is marriage...marriage with kids.....

 Perfectly imperfect. It is complicated, messy, full of flaws, and lacks five star dining...and....

Some day's we just fail at it...

Some day's we flop on our face...

Some day's we really should be fired....

...and some day's.....

We just need that one person who is willing to takes us to....

.... McDonald's.....

Wobbling!

Please watch the short clip above first.......

okay.....

So the man starts with some hesitation but goes ahead......

a smile on his face....

then the skateboard speeds up and things get wobbly....

the smile turns to Holy S*%#!....

and then it turns to chaos, fear, and wanting to find a way out....

then he finds himself in  the weeds, trying to figure out what just happened.....


This is a dramatic interpretation of my life the last few weeks.

I have begun nursing school, and I feel like this man....out of control and just trying to hang on.....hoping I don't end up in the weeds, trying to figure out what just happened.


Stress has over taken my life at the moment. I am working....hubby has a fractured tibia and is on crutches, so he is limited in what he can help with.....taking care of the home....attending to all the children's needs....

and in the middle of all this ...19 days of school.....has brought me.... assignments, papers, tests, quizzes, interviews, labs, orientations....that far exceed the number 19........

In 19 days I have probably done as much as I do in half a semester in most classes....

My sleep is short......my eyes are heavy...my blood pressure is high (I made a Dr's appt Monday to get that under control before I stroke out).........Anxiety is creeping in........

If my head was not attached I would probably lose it...........

So we have 20 other students in this program...

and guess what?

They feel just like me, they are following behind me, in front of me...wobbling their way down this course...just hanging on for dear life, just like me!

I thought it was me just overreacting, but this course seems to attract a certain kind of a person. The kind of person that looks at an obstacle and because of their over achieving, stubborn, neurotic, controlling, OCD personality..... they think, "Sure, I can do this!"

Then this personality starts down the hill.. and things start slipping out of their control. They start wobbling, their straight A's become B's, they can't figure out how to put on a sterile glove properly, then they figure if they can't get on sterile gloves properly how in the hell are they ever going to insert an NG tube or begin an IV......wobbling, wobbling, wobbling.......

Here we are nursing students...bound together in some strange way.....

All of us just trying to hang on, and not end up in the weeds.

" I am pretty sure you deserved that beating!"

I am not old per say...I am officially middle age now....I remember my parents at the age I am now.....maybe I am old?

When I hear people say they were born in the 80's... or....the dreaded 90's....seriously there is nothing worse than sitting in one of my classes at school and hearing the birthdate of a fellow student is the year I graduated high school....damn whipper snappers and their youthful glow!

So my generations parents still believed in the corporal punishment..meaning...getting your butt whipped for wrong doings. There was no such thing as time out, or meaningful psychiatric sessions on why you decided to shave the dog with your mothers razor....you were not allowed to defend yourself....you were guilty before proven innocent.

And normally most people around my relative age or older have that story....you know that....

 "STORY"

That "Story" you pull out during the holidays in the presence of your parents about that unjustified beating you received as a child. You share the ghastly experience with much flair, oomph, and pizazz, about the injustice of pain that was brought down upon you, and how you will never forget it.

and normally your parents reaction is a blank stare followed up by the statement ....

"I am sure you deserved the beating!"

...and then they share several other examples of beatings that may have been justified...like painting your bedroom wall with Vaseline or shutting the family dogs tail in the door....

..and there you are left with no justice or apology..just various examples of wrong doings of your childhood....so you tuck it away in your back pocket to bring up at the next family celebration in hopes your parents will see the wrongs of their way.

My father shared his "STORY" while at a family reunion... and I even took a picture of the scene of the punishment or crime against humanity ....whatever you want to call it....

Lets face it, everyone has that "STORY", and we all understand and listen to these "STORIES" because we all have one and feel their injustice.

My father was playing in this area with his cousin. There was an old abandoned car that was his grandfathers that sat here, and the kids would play in the car. You can't see in the photo but there is a creek that runs through town, and it is a steep V shape,the walls are concrete with jagged rocks all along it. Well my dads mom brought my dads younger brother, and their other cousin outside, and asked my dad to watch after them. My dad states, that his mother looked at Miles (my dads brother) and Brenda ( my dads cousin) before going back inside and told them to stay away from the creek. About this time his other cousin (Cheryl) is having a hard time opening the car door on the abandoned car so my dad begins to help her, and he is just tall enough to see over the hood of the car, to see Brenda take Miles hand go to the edge of creek and fall down the steep concrete walls down to the creek and out of sight of my dad. Brenda did not let go, she took Miles with her. Miles was young, maybe 4 at most. Dad goes to the creek and Brenda is a little scrapped up, but just wet, but his baby brother was tumbling down the creek with reckless abandon. Luckily Mile's caught the edge of a rock further down the creek and washed up the side of the concrete walls. He had blood pouring from his head and face, he was beat up.

My dad gets him, and walks him back to the house. By this time his mom was outside, and here comes dad with his bloody baby brother in tow. Which by the way, Miles still has a scar on his chin from this incident.

Now here is where the "STORY" part is. It was technically Brenda's fault..but here is the problem, Brenda is mentally handicapped...so not really accountable...so who is accountable...the one left in charge even though he could have done nothing to prevent it. Brenda was patted on the head and asked if she was okay and then my dads mother picked him up, and as he says, "gave him the beating of his life!" ...and then his aunt (Brenda's mother) comes outside and pats Brenda on the head and then proceeds to pick up my dad and beat him also. So not just one beating, but two were given that day, even though it was Brenda's fault.

If my grandmother and great aunt were still alive I am sure their response would be.......

"I am sure he deserved the beating!"

So this takes place in 1950's now lets fast forward to about 1980 or so....and let me share my "STORY".

I know my mom thinks I am going to share the "Christmas/Ungrateful Brat" incident....

That "STORY" is debatable..I got my butt beat...it was more my sisters fault that things escalated.... but she was past the butt beating age... so I was the one that got the wrath of a haggard, tired mother on Christmas day.....It is a "STORY" but there is some reasonable doubt involved in that "STORY".....because I may, or may not have, kicked my sister in the shin at some point in that "STORY".....

Anyways I have a "STORY" where there is no reasonable doubt....I was beat, punished,....and...dare I say tortured.....

That is right...my parents probably have the quizzical look on their face right now...this was moms doing...so dad your off the hook.

Children of the 80's remember the beloved Hot Cycle?

Mine was that girl one.....with the blue and pink.....I loved that thing!!

So I had just gotten that beloved cycle, and me and the neighbor girl were playing together. We were taking turns on the bike and then this neighbor girl decided to no longer share MY bike...she would not give it back...so we began to argue back and forth. My mom must have heard us arguing, she came outside, grabbed me, and beat my butt in front of this neighbor girl, and then told me to go inside. Mom let this girl ride my Hot Cycle the rest of the day. I was sharing...the neighbor girl was not sharing.......and she was rewarded... and I was beat.

My mother does not have a response for this story, she decided to go with,

 "I don't remember doing that, that never happened!"......

The ol' I don't remember angle..uh huh....

It is my "STORY" and I remember it like it was yesterday.


I bring all this up because in one of the twins classes they exchange a journal back and forth with their teacher. One of the questions the teacher asked was, "What has been the worst day your life"..... The response of the twin was...

... the day she was sent to her room... not once,......not twice...but three times for various things that were not her fault!

So I am prepared and I am armed for the day when we are sitting around ...when they are adults with their own children...and she brings up this day of infamy in her head...

...the day injustice was done to her......and shares her "STORY" with me....

and I can say.......

"I am pretty sure you deserved it!"

Every Little Thing Is Gonna Be Alright

I am having my half way there "BLAHS"......Do you ever have those days, weeks...months for some ...where something is just off?

You can't put a finger on it other than saying...."BLAH"......

Motivation is lacking....enthusiasm is minimal......laziness has crept in.....

I am a little over half way there in my weight loss and I have hit that dreaded plateau...physically and mentally. To the point where I stepped off the treadmill this last week...It just was not in me to exercise....What is the worst thing to do when trying to lose weight?...stop when it is getting the hardest. I will get back on the treadmill...my eating has remained healthy and consistent...I just need to find that spark again!..... I am only 10 pounds away from my end of summer goal......

I am half way there in school.....all my pre-req's are done, now it is on to just the core nursing classes.....getting everything together for nursing school has cost me a small fortune this summer...seriously 63.00 dollars for a scrub top? Updates on vaccinations at 50+ dollars a piece... CPR class...background checks.....and little things here and there that add up....I have not even looked at the books I need to purchase...thank goodness for grants and scholarships in the fall.....

My hair is half way there in growing out and it is at code red levels right now. I am growing it out so it will be easy to pull back when doing clinicals. The length is at that awkward level...I have huge amounts of cowlicks along the baseline of my hair and they are running rampant right now....they are not controllable and I am at their mercy...It is taking everything in my power not to run to my hairdresser and cut it to a comfortable level.....thank goodness my hair grows fast, and though it is annoying right now, it is temporary......

Monetarily things are tight so we have to be creative with extracurricular activities...there is only so many red box movie you can watch, and picnics to the park that can be had...my kids are getting cabin fever...I have cabin fever.....I think the summer "BLAHS" have infected the house.....unlike millions of others our health is good, our bills are paid, and meals are on the table...can't ask for more than that.

Here is the problem with the "BLAHS"...10 pounds from a goal, grants and scholarships, thick full hair, and roof over my head..... are all lost in a cloud of humdrums and tedious parts of life.

So how does one cure the "BLAHS" ?

Get back on the treadmill......realize the extra costs of school will bring nothing but financial gain in the end....buy some hair accessories and deal with it......family financial sacrifices is a temporary bump on the road right now.....

The "BLAHS" will fade away and....

in the words of Bob Marley~

...no truer words have been spoken,,,,,,

Why is it?

Why is it.............

That when you are try to make food lifestyle changes...oh hell, lets call it what it is, DIET!.. That everything in your life that you should not eat suddenly becomes an insatiable desire that will not go away? I have three sugar cookies sitting on the counter that make me salivate every time I pass them. I swear one spoke to me and said, "C'mon...you know you want be baby!".....and I swear I answered it back, "Mmmm....yes I do"...as I licked my lips.......

Okay...I will stop before this turns into the next Fifty Shades of Grey novel....but instead called, Fifty Shades of Frosting......

Why is it..........

That sometimes a child can be more profound than the most brilliant of adults?  I was driving in to Costco so I could get some healthy snacking items in my house, so that me and the sugar cookies would stop flirting with one another. My youngest car seat has been in the same place in our Ford Expedition forever now. She has decided that she is tired of this spot and every time we get in the car she moves her booster seat to somewhere else in the car. Really she only has three other spots she can move to but these small moves are apparently profound to her. On our ride in to Salt Lake she says, "Mom, moving my car seat is good for me." ...... I play along by saying, "Why is that?".....She responds by saying, "Because it gives me a whole new look at things, I can see things I have not seen before...she pauses.....and says, "Everyone should move to different seat every once in awhile so they can get a new look at things."

I know the statement was literal for her....she just thinks that everyone should see a different scenic view every once in awhile...or... that was her hint that she would like to ride shotgun at some point in her life. However, the statement made me smile...so simple.....so right. So many hot button issues in the world...maybe some of us should just look at things from a new place...and just maybe we could gain a new perspective.

Why is it.....

I can go over my legs with a razor 50 times and still miss a patch of hair on the back of my legs?

Why is it.....

I had a huge list of things I wanted to get done this summer before I head back to school this fall.....and I have done none of it so far? I will try to cram it all in to the last two weeks of summer because that is how I roll!

Why is it .......

I really want to make this now .......and eat the whole thing...four key words...Pretzel, Cookie, Peanut Butter, Pie...enough said

Why is it....

I will never have abs that look like this?................

.....four key words......Pretzel, Cookie, Peanut Butter, Pie.....enough said!

What a day!

Do you remember the poem by Shel Silverstein, What A Day?

What a day

oh what a day

My baby brother ran away,

And now my tuba will not play.

I'm eight years old

and turning grey, Oh what a day, Oh what a day.

The illustration that came along with this poem was a boy playing his tuba. His baby brother was in the tuba, that is why the tuba will not play. I felt like the boy playing the tuba the other day but my poem would have gone like this...............

What a day

oh what a day

My three year old is puking away,

Ad now my SUV will not start.

I'm thirty-four years old

and turning grey, Oh what a day,Oh what a day.

I thought of this poem last night as I was falling asleep. Aside from the premature graying, which he really should have the doctor look at; everything was fine. His baby brother was not missing and his tuba was not broken. I think when we have days that seem to be an endless assault of mishaps and inconveniences we tend to look to the heavens and say, " what else can happen to me today?" Once we step back from the situation and survey what has happened many times simple resolutions are the remedy. The three year old is recovering, the SUV was towed and it was an inexpensive fix and at the end of the day all those other inconveniences and mishaps seemed to go away. I seem to get wrapped up in the moment and let my frustrations take over for a few brief moments..or hours; depending on my mood. I just need to remember to take a step back and look for the baby brother in the tuba and then I can play.